Beauty Product

Wild Parvenu: Maxi-Single 


Beauty Product was part of a corporate management tool custom built for MimmsOssendorf, a mid-sized New Jersey-based financial services boutique which specialized in NYSE-listed ETFs that tracked various regional retail weaponry sectors and securitized high-risk bail-bonds. In the wake of an extraordinarily severe restructuring program, the company enlisted a well-known consulting firm to mitigate the short-term negative effects on staff morale in a cost-effective manner. The results of a full performance audit, marathon "paleo" business brunches, and prescription drug-enhanced lateral "imagineering" sessions at some of New Jersey's top exurban motel conference centers were initially described as a “stunning triumph for blue-sky-thinking” (the word “disruptive” was deployed approvingly in multiple New York Times opinion pieces).

Lean Scening, as it was unfortunately christened, involved offsetting potential productivity dips brought on by workforce reductions with budget-friendly cultural components. In addition to the obvious motivational value of such a program, providing high-performing staff members with exclusive bespoke culture bundles would serve as a way for MimmsOssendorf to fortify staff loyalty (headhunters contracted by competitors would not be able to promise an equivalent content package). Additionally, the project included an "Aspiration Alignment" feature, which involved non-verbal, subconscious cues embedded within the content itself.

The Beauty Product project was realized in-house. The vocals and arrangements for the compositions were reportedly provided by one Clarence Kemp, at the time a senior vice-president with MimmsOssendorf. Later becoming a radical Objectivist implicated in several politically-motivated incidents, he spent his early years in Europe, the son of a US Air Force officer. For a time he attended an elite boarding school near Innsbruck, where he participated in the institution's tape-music program while concurrently developing an intense passion for the ideas of local 19th century economist Eugen Böhm von Bawerk.

Perhaps a case of too-little-too-late, Lean Scening's inaugural (and, so far, only) implementation could not save MimmsOssendorf. The brokerage had become severely over-leveraged after a bizarrely high-volume series of investments in the beleaguered submarine sandwich giant Quiznos, when the Libor scandal broke resulting in shaken investor confidence and increased regulatory scrutiny on exactly the type of derivatives which represented the firm's core business. In October 2012 MimmsOssendorf filed for Chapter 11. Among its assets auctioned off to appease jilted creditors were the rights to the Beauty Product back-catalogue, as well as the original tape masters. Thought to have been in the portfolio of the Luxembourg Pension Saving Company for a brief time, a significant percentage of these were eventually (and very generously) donated to the Strategic Tape Reserve by a prominent Belgian podiatrist.

The Beauty Product – Wild Parvenu Maxi-Single consists of three tracks:
  • Wild Parvenu is a carefully calculated balance of cheese-funk and slow-house meant to instill in the listener a casual feeling of superiority. The synthesized flute solo was designed to represent making the transition from giving 100% to giving 110% without breaking a sweat.
  • If I'd Only Known Where You Buried My Heart is a traditional doom-soaked revenge-disco workout anthem.
  • Silver In The Gray is a 12-minute sentimental journey firmly rooted in the future-dub adult-contemporary scene, which allows the listener to deal with non-desire-based emotions in a controlled context.
As per the mediated binding decision negotiated by MimmsOssendorf and the RIAA, this release is available as a free download to registered members of the US Chamber of Commerce and the National Rifle Association. The cassette version comes packaged with a glossy A3 motivational poster which should conform to most international cubical ornamentation guidelines. 

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